The stairs to the loft are carpeted, but a slight squeak still sneaks out from the boards beneath as Sky tip toes up each step. She feels the hefty weight of exhaustion curving her shoulders closer to the floor than the heavens as returns to the bed. Her body illuminated in the Sunday morning sunshine as if the Prussian blue of her aura were visible, sliding under the sheets to meet Charlie’s immediate embrace. The touch from her lover is comforting even though she is reeling over the nightmare that woke her at five o’clock. She sat in the den downstairs for the first few hours of the morning listening to her thoughts and her body, in the dark, pondering the reason for her reasons. Her mixed emotions about the amount of self-disclosure from the day before crawl out onto the surface of her skin, making her more of a translucent jellyfish than an opaque wall. She thinks, “Did I say too much. Sometimes my big mouth gets me into trouble. Will Charlie look at me differently now? Like I’m some sort of degenerate or something.”
Curiosity should dominate Charlie’s mind, but she isn’t as much curious as she is concerned. It isn’t like Sky to behave in this way, disappearing from Charlie’s peripheral vision in the wee hours of the morning. “Where have you been? It’s cold in this bed without you?” Kissing Sky’s wrist lovingly to alleviate whatever pain she might be in. Knowing that her lover is ailing over something, however small, tears her apar inside.
“Charlie, do you hate me?”
Words are just words, but this sentence is viciously savage. These words cut through Charlie from head to toe, severing her person and mind into four pieces of split amethyst.
“That’s not even an option. I could never hate you. It’s a conflict of interest. How could I hate someone that I love so much? You made me love you. That’s the truth, but I don’t love you for sex. I don’t love you because of anything that you can do for me, and I certainly don’t love you because you could prove to be an interesting project. You are a whole person, a beautiful person who may never see herself the way that I do. When I look into your eyes I see a lion. When you look in the mirror you see a kitten. It’s just a matter of perspective. Besides, I’m no angel baby. I’ve hurt people in the past. I’ve done things that I feel guilty for, but we wouldn’t be the people that we are if we had never experienced the things that we’ve experienced. What I’m trying to say is that we all have a debt to the universe. It’s called paying your dues. I’d rather love a woman that has empathy, compassion, and a knowledge of life’s little pitfalls than a woman who is as shiny as a new Mercedes.”
Sky’s heart is knotted up in her chest like a washcloth that has been rung out over a concrete basin.
“God help me. I’ve never needed anyone before. I’ve never been in love before, and I’m not even sure that I’ve loved anyone before. My parents never loved me. My brothers never loved me, and if they did I sure didn’t know it. No one ever showed me how to love. I’m pretty sure that I loved that baby though. Just the thought of having life inside of me brought me a sense of connection. When that life fizzled out I felt so empty. It’s not an emptiness that I can describe. It’s still there. Sometimes I lie awake at night and think about that person that never was. I wonder what that perso would have been like. Would that child love me as much as I loved it? I rub my stomach a lot. I’m searching for something that isn’t there, and it seems colder now, empty. It might sound stupid to you. Maybe it is completely ridiculous, but I can still feel the wound. My uterus is a graveyard. I think of myself as a murderer. I didn’t abort that child. I didn’t extinguish that life, but somehow I feel responsible. I think about my own life. I’ve lived a certain way, maybe not the best way, but at least I had a chance to screw up my life. What could a child do to deserve death? Maybe I am mad at God. We haven’t had the best relationship, and when my mother made her alliance I wondered what kind of God would kill a baby and befriend my mother. Wow! That is insane. I don’t hate god. I just don’t understand. I don’t hate my mother either, and I didn’t hate my father. I just had all of this anger living inside of me. My hatred killed that baby. I don’t think that it was god at all. God just cleaned up my mess. That baby was not destined to be mine, and I was not destined to be that child’s mother. I think it was a girl. It felt like a girl. I would have named her after my great aunt. I would have done my best you know? I would have given her everything that I didn’t have, and I would try not to mess her up. I’m finally learning about love. I owe that to you. I love you and I’m not very good at it. I just want you to know me. I just want to know myself.”
Hot tears pelt the pillowcase, soaking into the fabric.
Sky’s tears are one and the same as her partners, shedding identical grief. They live and die together from this day forward. Charlie pulls Sky closer and splays her hand over the girl’s abdomen, taking on the rage and sorrow as her own.
“You are a loving person. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t care. I hate to see you in pain. I wish that I could make everything better.”
A booming voice echoes from the bottom of the stairs. “ Wake up love birds! Tabby needs some coffee. If I don’t pump some caffeine into these veins soon I might have to wake up naturally. Who wants that? The fact that I’m up before nine is a freaken miracle in itself. Get down here before I do something crazy, like rearrange the furniture. I’ll pile everything up in the corner. Wouldn’t it be fun to give Luanne a complex? I’ll tell her that it’s modern art.” Tabitha sings to herself as she scoots to the loo. “I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay…I wish I’d been a girlie just like my dear pa-pa…”
Sky rolls over to meet Charlie’s gaze. “Hasn’t that girl ever heard of a hangover? Shouldn’t she be sleeping or something? Oh well, I think we could use some coffee. Don’t worry about me honey. Sometimes I just over think things. I mean, look at Tabby. She’s been through some serious shit, and she always finds the humor in it. I wish that I could live like that. Just for one day I’d like to turn my mind off and frolic in the figments. She starts singing softly. ‘Always look on the bright side of life…Life’s a piece ‘o shit when ya look at it. Life’s a laugh, and death’s a joke it’s true. You’ll see its all a show. Keep ‘em laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you.’ I was wrong about love. I definitely love Tabby. She always makes me feel better, makes me forget about my troubles. Let’s get her some coffee before she serenades us to death with Monty Python songs.”
Charlie caresses Sky’s face, wiping the tears from her cheek with her thumb. “Are you sure that you’re okay? It’s been an intense weekend for everyone. Even Tabitha showed some emotion other than funny.”
A sudden calm washes over Sky’s body, eroding harsh emotions into small rounded rocks upon the seashore. “Yeah, I really think I’m okay now. I just get upset, being this close to my mother and all. Coming back to Buffalo must have sparked something for me. I’ll get over it.”
Charlie can sense the shift in Sky’s psyche as her body language has changed dramatically. “Okay, if you say so. I’ll go downstairs to take care of your partner in crime. We have to go over to the house for coffee. Can’t let Tabby wonder around by herself. Meet me over there?”
“I’ll be right down.” Dragging her fingertips down Charlie’s arm as she escapes from her grasp.
Sky follows the woman with her eyes as she disappears from view. I have to get a grip! I have to move on, get over this for real this time. It’s not enough to say it. I need to do something about it. That woman loves me, she really loves me. Last night was the most amazing experience of my life, and I show up in the morning with this garbage. What is the matter with me? I don’t want to be a complete downer the entire time that I’m here. There is fun to be had. I’m in my hometown. Tabby and Lenore are with me. I keep acting like something is missing, and I have everything that I need traveling right along with me.
Tabitha is in the kitchen spilling coffee grounds all over the counter. “Shit. My aim is way off this morning. Better not go bowling today. Someone could get hurt, and not in the hysterically funny way. More in the ‘I need an ambulance’ way. I’ll just scoop this off the counter like this…there. Fresh ground counter flavored coffee. Well, dirt in one’s diet builds character, and I’m full of character. Flip the little red switch. Hot damn. I finally dun learnded to opeerate moduurn kitchen pliances.”
Charlie is bent over laughing. She tries to catch her breath. “Tabby, I would never go bowling with you; not even if I was wearing a protective helmet. You’re a dangerous individual.”
Sky is slightly confused as she only heard the tail end of the conversation. “Good morning Tabby. What’s all this talk of bowling? I happen to like it.”
“Sorry honey. You missed the joke. Would you like some counter flavored coffee before we go bowling?” Laughter visits Charlie’s lungs once again. She can’t help but roar at the absurdity of the situation.
Tabitha moonwalks to the other side of the kitchen. “Oh look. Your mom left us some Danish. Oooo cheeese. I love me some cheese Danish. Actually I’ve never loved a Danish pastry, or a Dane for that matter. What the hell, everyone needs a goal. Next stop, Denmark! I hope their dating services are better than ours. Ever try to meet your soul mate via VHS? What the hell is in Denmark anyway? When I hear people talk about romantic getaways that place always comes up. Look out France! Denmark is the new hot spot for young lovers. By the way, why are natives of Denmark Danes, and why are natives of the Netherlands Dutch? A Swede is a Swede, and a Finn is a Finn. I’m confused.” She picks up a pastry and examines it. “Ooo la la. Lukewarm, day-old dough; life is sooo sweet!”
Just add Tabitha to a bad mood, stir vigorously, and Ta da, Sky’s feeling better. “Always look on the bright side of life, right Tabby?”
“You got it baby. Life is full of hap-hap-happy things like indoor plumbing, canned ham, and kitty litter. Personally, I’d like to shake the hand of the man who invented bendy straws. Ever poke yourself in the eye with a straight straw at a restaurant while having a meaningful conversation with your employer? It both sucks and blows. No way to cover that up, unless you have some kitty litter handy. Just fling a hand full of dusty poo bait in his face to blind him. That’ll give you enough time to run for the nearest available exit. I wish I’d thought of that sooner. I’m gonna start carrying that stuff around with me for just such an emergency. If you don’t have a cat you can always use sand, gravel, or counter flavored coffee grounds. It’s a matter of taste really. Speaking of tasty beverages, would you kids join me over a cup of sludge? I make it
kind ‘o strong. You might have to chew it.” She holds a mug up and pours the black liquid. “Mmmm…syrupy. Here Charlie, poison test this would ya? I’m too young to die.”
“If I didn’t know better, I’d call you chicken.” A slight hint of suspicion and a pang of accusation are underlying Charlie’s statement.
“I am not a chicken, a peacock maybe…but chicken no.” Tabitha pours another cup for Sky. “Drink me Alice.” Then hands her a Danish. “Eat me.”
Sky stands there with both hands full of coffee, Danish, and smart ass comments. “I don’t think so. Keep dreaming! Oh wait…you were talking about the Danish.”
Luanne is stealth during her entrance into the kitchen. No one knows for certain when she came in. “Church starts at ten o’clock. We’re on our way out. Sorry you missed breakfast. Enjoy the Danish. Lenore, do you have any plans for today? I can leave you a key if you want.”
“Um…yeah mom. We’re going to lunch with you and dad. Then we’re going to head over to Sky’s friend’s house around three. I don’t know what time we’ll be back. A key would be nice.” Her body temperature rises as a she questions how much of that conversation her mother heard. “Thanks mom. We’ll see you at noon.”