To Whom It May Concern:

I have been holding all of this anger in the pit of my stomach for as long as I can remember. The thing about anger is that it can twist you up into an unrecognizable monster, and I am no exception. So, in the interest of healing I have decided to post an open letter to whom it may concern, or to whom it may not.

When I was a little girl I found myself following other little girls around school, the playground, or anywhere else they may have been. I always knew that I loved women. I admired their strength. I found them graceful, elegant, and brilliant. Women were and are the center of my universe. This is not to say that I admire women in a purely sexual fashion. These feelings are far older than that. I loved women before I knew what sex was. No, it is something more instinctive than sexual desire. I love women for everything that they are, everything that they do, and everything that they are not. I have loved my acquaintances, friends, and lovers with equal regard. Not all of my friends have been my lovers, and not all of my lovers have been my friends. This may be that part of myself that I have never been able to express in the right way. This may be the one thing that heterosexuals do not understand. I do love all women, but I do not love them all in a sexual way. In this regard heterosexuals believe that homosexual equates sexual.

I am a sexual being. So is everyone else. I also have feelings and ambitions. So does everyone else. I do not love every woman in an intimate way, but I do love them in other ways. When I am nice to, or befriend a woman it is often thought that I am interested in them in a ‘homosexual’ way. This makes friendships difficult to maintain. Other women can be friends with each other, share secrets, and their time. I am on the outside of such activities because it is assumed that I am a deviant of some kind. As if I see the world through a narrow pane of self-gratification. It is difficult being an ambassador.

The people that I love think of me as a predator. People are afraid to bring their children near me, as if I possess evil persuasive powers. As if I will damage them in some way. Sure, there are the secretive societal whispers. I’m positive that you have heard them in school, church, or over lunch at a diner. “Homosexuals have an agenda to convert the devout and lead them down the primrose path of destruction.” I have heard them as well.

I used to sit in church, listening to the minister speak of homosexuals as an abomination of god. I was confused. Just a few breaths earlier he was saying that humans were created in god’s image. So, what does he mean exactly? Does god’s image include everyone? Is the minister just talking about ‘normal’ people? I also wondered why god would permit half of the planet to treat the other half so poorly. Is god that cruel? Is this god’s image? I guess that I have a lot of questions about god, a lot of questions about mankind. Should the word kind be attached to the word man?

After my initial argument with church and state I thought. Who makes the rules? Is it god, or is it humans? If god passed down the word who translated it, and was it for god’s purposes or a narrow interpretation of a grander word? God didn’t write the bible. God has never spoken to me directly, and I often wonder if god has spoken at all. This is not to say that I am an atheist, or speaking out against religion. I just have some questions that I feel are quite valid.

I was raised to hate women. I was raised to hate myself. Needless to say, I was conflicted. How could I despise such beautiful creatures, and how could I love them as well. The answer did not come easily to me. The struggle therein continued. How to love these fantastic beings without the restriction of conventional thought.

My mother didn’t help me along the way. She always told me that women were evil. That she couldn’t be friends with other women because they were conniving, underhanded, and manipulative. She taught me not to trust them, not to listen to them, and never ever befriend them. Women are nothing but trouble. They will cloud your judgment and rob you blind.

It is amazing to me that women possess such destructive powers, considering that they are also considered less intelligent and weaker than men. How could a person who is less capable than a man confuse him so? These are some of the things that I have been taught, not necessarily in this order:

1) Women are subservient to men.

2) God made women smaller because they’re meaner.

3) When a woman is in a bad mood, it must be PMS.

4) Women’s work includes all duties that men refuse.

5) It is a woman’s job to cook, clean, raise children, and impress men in order to achieve a successful relationship.

6) If a child is dysfunctional, it is inherently the mother’s doing.

7) Men are stronger, more talented, and have superior intelligence over women.

8) Men are the head of the household.

9) Women are to remain silent

10) It is okay to hit a woman if she does not obey.

11) Eve, the origin of evil, was a woman.

12) Women are made of man’s ribs

13) If a woman is victimized in any way, it is her fault. She is either a slut, or a degenerate.

14) If a woman has desire or ambition, she is immoral.

15) A woman has no business being president of the United States, a doctor, or a success in any way, that is except for motherhood. Being a successful mother is the only acceptable occupation for a woman, but god forbid that she screw that up.

When I was four years old I solved a rubik cube in less than thirty seconds. My mother was quite impressed. She asked me to do it again, and I did. When my father came home I tried to show him my new found talent, but I couldn’t finish it with a man in the room. I learned that it is better for women to pretend that they are inferior, as not to show up a man.

When Christmas rolled around I asked Santa Claus for puzzles, books, G.I. Joes, and building blocks. I waited an eternity for the day to arrive. I was finally going to get what I asked for. Someone had to have listened to my requests. I would earn the respect of others, and find happiness in simple pleasures that challenged my senses. I wanted to learn anything and everything, to find the secrets of the universe. I thought that these were simple requests. “Boys” toys were no more expensive than “girls” toys. What was the big deal anyway?

Christmas morning dawned on the wings of angels. I jumped out of bed to find a modest tree in the corner of our rented living room. A few presents scattered beneath the tree had my name scribbled on the tags, “To: Amber, From: Santa.” Santa wouldn’t let me down. Santa knew who was naughty and who was nice, but he also knew who was a boy and who was a girl. I unwrapped the boxes with feverish anticipation only to find something pink, a doll, or a plastic kitchen set. Apparently Santa was in cahoots with my mother. He wanted me to be a good mother, a good housekeeper, and a good little girl. I wanted to be an intellectual. I was crushed that Santa would betray me so boldly. I wondered if the whole world wanted me to remain uneducated.

My brother was delighted when he opened his presents. He always got precisely what he had requested. Santa and our family members went out of their way to give the ‘perfect’ gift to him. Our great Aunt’s would stand in long lines at department stores, practically getting into fist fights with other women to buy my brother every action figure in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles collection. They wouldn’t rest until he had each and every one of those fucking plastic figurines. His other presents included a microscope, science kits, board games, and Transformers (puzzles. Hello! That’s what I asked for!) For me however, they grabbed the first Barbie doll that they saw, or the first ‘adorable’ little pink dress that they thought I would look ‘cute’ in. I was horrified, and heartbroken. It was never about me, or what I wanted. I was a girl. I was supposed to adapt to it. I was expected to settle for what other people thought best for me.

The only solution to my dilemma, become one of the boys. After all, boys could climb trees, build things, and read books. By all accounts I became a boy. It was the only way to get what I wanted. I was yelled at in church, school, and home for not behaving like ‘a lady’. I wasn’t a lady. I’m not a lady today. I know what it means to be lady, and I do not possess any of those qualities. I never keep my mouth shut. I will not tolerate abuse of any kind from anyone. I am not a good housekeeper, wife, or mother. I am not meek or mild. I speak my mind in all forms of company. I am polite just to be polite, but I do not serve anyone. I care for people because I care for people, not because I am supposed to. If these things make me masculine, then I guess that I am masculine. I do not believe this however.

At the age of thirteen I sat around with my friends while they talked and gushed about cute boys. I couldn’t figure out why I liked boys that were artsy and sensitive. I had posters of rock stars with long blond hair and pink lipgloss plastered all over my bedroom. My mother bought me a life-sized poster of Brad Pitt. I hung it behind my door, and my door was open most of the time.

At this point I didn’t quite understand my attraction to women, but I did find that the more ‘masculine’ I was, the more women wanted to be around me. I started wearing combat boots, jeans, and oversized T-shirts (to hide my breasts.) I was like a man, but not like a man. I served as a safe alternative to men. Girls found me boyish without the pressure of being around an actual man. Women could be themselves around me, and I appreciated this. I was not out to demand respect, or to have women fawn over me like giggling twits. I found women enjoyable when they were being honest. I was never attracted to pretenders. You know who they are. They are everywhere, those women who have been taught to adjust their personalities in order to impress and seduce men. The type of crap that our mothers fill our heads with when we are young. “Women don’t belch. Women don’t sit with their legs uncrossed. Women don’t use vulgar language. Women go to the bathroom to ‘powder their noses’.” I was honest. I participated in belching contests with my guy friends. I sat with my legs wrapped around the back of a chair. I swore like a sailor. I went to the bathroom to take a piss.

As I grew older I discovered that my love for some women was more intense than my general admiration of the rest. In an ironic twist of fate, I found that more men flocked to me during this period of my life. The more myself I became, the more men were attracted to me. They could hang out with me, talk, and have a few beers without the pressures of male/female relationships. I didn’t wear make-up, dresses, or pretend that I was inferior to them. I say that it is ironic because the ‘girlie’ girls had it all wrong. I found that men were just as uncomfortable around ‘ladies’ as ‘ladies’ were around men. Both parties were playing a part in a tragic play. Don’t get me wrong, some men like women to behave in this way. They are usually control freaks though. In my humble opinion, that is why ‘high femme’ women are confused when men treat them badly. Duh! If you play stupid you cannot expect people to treat you as anything but. On the other hand, I have found that men enjoy the ‘softer’ side of a woman’s personality. This brand of femininity is more genuine. We are taught to behave in a certain way, but I believe that we are inherently caring, gentle, and empathetic. These qualities are highly desirable. Both for myself and for most men. I don’t think that a woman has to wear a costume in order to be feminine. She is feminine because she is a woman.

I came out at the age of seventeen. At that time I considered the word feminine a swear word because I equated it with words like subservient, weak, and girlie. I was none of these things. Therefore, I believed that I was not feminine at all.

As I grew older I observed people in their natural habitats, gay people in particular. I found that some gay men were made fun of because they behaved in a ‘feminine’ way. I asked myself, and often asked others, “What is wrong with being feminine? Are you saying that being feminine is a bad thing? Does that mean that a feminine man is just as bad as, or worse than a woman?” This to me was less gay bashing, and more woman hating. I became angry at the concept. If a woman is feminine, that’s okay. If a man is feminine, he is less than other men. Ah ha! So, the truth comes out. It’s not about homosexuality itself. It’s more about strengths and weaknesses. Okay, now I’m really pissed off! I’ve cracked the code. Here it goes. Women are less than men. If a man behaves like a woman, he is subhuman. If a woman behaves like a man, she is overstepping her boundaries. That’s what this shit is all about.

I have read the bible several times. I went through Sunday school for the first sixteen years of my life, and I was confirmed in the Protestant church. I hold that very Good News Bible in my hand. The first page reads “Presented to Amber Cain by Friedens United Church of Christ, October 18, 1987, See Mark 12:30, Rev. Thomas Hardy-pastor, Margo Fronczek- gen’l supt.” It contained little ‘good news’ for me. It told me that I was no better than Eve, that I was an evil woman. Not to mention, Deuteronomy scared the hell out of me. I was only nine years old when I read it.

My self-esteem as a child was built around Bible stories, the first being, The Garden of Eden Genisis 2:18 – Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him.” 19. So he took some soil from the ground and formed all the animals and all the birds. Then he brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and that is how they got their names. 21. Then the Lord God made the man fall into a deep sleep, and while he was sleeping, he took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the flesh. 22. He formed a woman out of the rib and brought her to him.

The stories in Genisis bother me. First, God created animals above and before woman. 2) Genisis 3:16 says, And he said to the woman, “I will increase your trouble in pregnancy and your pain in giving birth. In spite of this, you will still have desire for your husband, yet you will be subject to him. 3) My last name is Cain. The Lord said to Cain in Genisis 4:11 You are placed under a curse and can no longer farm the soil. It has soaked up your brother’s blood as if it had opened its mouth to receive it when you killed him. 12. If you try to grow crops, the soil will not produce anything; you will be a homeless wanderer on the earth.”

There is one section in that popular book that bothers me as a human being. Genisis 19:4- Before the guests went to bed, the men of Sodom surrounded the house. All the men of the city, both young and old, were there. 5. They called out to Lot and asked, “Where are the men who came to stay with you tonight? Bring them out to us!” The men of Sodom wanted to have sex with them. 6. Lot went outside and closed the door behind him. 7. He said to them, “Friends, I beg you, don’t do such a wicked thing! 8. Look, I have two daughters who are still virgins. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do whatever you want with them. But don’t do anything to these men; they are guests in my house, and I must protect them.”

Some people say that this passage is saying that homosexuality is wrong. I disagree. I think that this is speaking to the behavior of men. When the bible was written women were considered weaker than men. There is one story in the bible where Jesus has a conversation with ‘the woman’ at the well. It is the longest conversation that Jesus has in the entire book, and the woman’s name is never mentioned. That speaks volumes to me about the importance of women at that time. We were hardly worth mention, and if you name something it might create feeling for that something. So, when the bible says that a man shall not lie with another man I believe that it could mean several things. 1) That men should not be subservient to other men as women are. 2) It could be talking about property, as women were little more than property. First to their fathers. Then passed on to another man by dowry. 3) It is talking about rape. That is a far separate issue from homosexuality. In biblical times women were subject to rape as a lifestyle. It was perfectly acceptable to ‘take’ a woman as you pleased, especially if that woman were your wife. If a man were raped, that was considered a taking of his pride. Women had no pride to speak of.

After years of seething hostility toward the opposition. That included just about anyone who disagreed with me. I learned to respect and value the opinions of others. I also learned that there is nothing wrong with being feminine. I don’t mind being called feminine by men. I don’t mind being called feminine by other woman. I do mind being called feminine by butch women. This to me is an insult. The reason that I feel this way is deep rooted in my inner conflict over the years.

Butch women often cling to their masculinity and hold it on high. I can respect this, but I feel that it is braver to be feminine than it is to be masculine. Allow me to explain. I am not saying that butch women are bad. I can identify with them, understand them, and care for them as I do with all women. I am not saying that being masculine is bad. I also understand the nature of such things. I am saying that life would be easier for everyone if we were considered equal (masculine) rather than unequal (feminine). That is not to say that the life of a butch woman is easy. In fact, it is quite the contrary. Butch women are a direct threat to the masculinity of men. There isn’t a more dangerous situation to be in. The reason that I am insulted by butch women when they refer to me as feminine is due to my whole perception of masculinity vs. femininity. If they identify as masculine and they are calling me feminine, I feel that they are saying that I am less than they are. This I do not appreciate! Even if it is not intended that way, nothing bothers me more.

I believe in androgyny. I believe that all people should be equal. That is a far cry from reality. I don’t mind someone opening a door for me, or paying for a meal. I do the same for others. I do these things because it is courteous to do so. I do not like it when people do these things because they consider them necessary. It is not necessary for me. I will not be treated as the lesser of two, or the lesser of many.

The law books say that possession is nine tenths of the law. I say, conformity is nine tenths of the law. I discovered this in my teens. I knew that I would never be able to obtain a good job if I dressed in baggy jeans and T-shirts. This is part of the game. Now I dress in woman’s clothes, or acceptable men’s clothes in order to succeed. You can call me a sell out if you like. I can take the criticism, but I know that I can blend into any environment like a chameleon if I have to. I can paint my face, throw on a skirt, and prance into an office to land a job. That’s just the way the world works until we can change it. I accept my own fate, for now. However, this does not colonize my heart or my mind. I have not adopted the mentality behind the dress. I have learned to express myself in so many other ways.

My conflict with butch women branches from this very concept. In my view, people who adopt labels and live in them identify themselves with dress. I understand this, it makes them visible to the world, and identity is an important part of all human beings. How can we relate to others if we do not know who we are? Unfortunately, as humans, we also make judgments of others based on the way they look. We assume that others identify themselves by haircuts or manner of dress. In a way, I do not live in this world. When I look in the mirror I see an average person with great ambitions. Those parts of myself are neither feminine nor masculine, they are Amber. When others see me dressed as I am, they make assumptions about my soul. For me, labels are not appropriate. I wouldn’t know what to call myself if I tried, but I certainly will never allow other people to define WHO I am.